A Lovechild's Rantings

I am actually very happy right now.

I'm determined to make this a more permanent feeling.

It FINALLY feels like fall here D: 

It's been in the NINETIES D: 
In October D: 

(Fahrenheit that is, that's...I think about in the sixties to seventies in Celsius?)


Colder weather usually starts making me feel better but I've been turning over some really complicated decisions in my head lately, most of which will never even up the way I'd like them to, so it's sort of dampening everything.
( if you feel like reading more, you may do so now )

( sorry, but if I don't stick this somewhere it might kill me )

In the span of ten minutes I went from feeling really inspired and creative to so miserably depressed that I wished I could melt into the floor. You'd think this would mean that in ten more minutes I'd be back to that but no, the bad stuff likes to take its time.

I think I do better with consistent depression. This bouncing back and forth is killing me. It's pathetic that I actually functioned better when I had nothing in my life to make me feel like I should bother. This being stuck between wanting to try and the repetitive crushing YOU AREN'T GOING TO EVER FIX THIS RAWWRRRR is stringing me out more than anything.

And there's really no one to actually discuss it with which really saddens me. The line between being able to distract yourself by talking about nice things to people and actually expressing what's going on in your head while you're pretending to be happy isn't exactly a fine one, it's an ugly jagged thing that distorts you into a complete and utter nuisance to anyone you try to talk to.


The emo, is it dripping out of your monitors now?

Well I've been sick and basically dead to most of the world for the past few weeks...I've actually felt a little creative lately despite that, I suspect it's the cool weather.

...except today it's in the nineties (Farenheit) again and muggy as hell. >.> Humidity suffocates creativity.

I've been feeling odd and unsettled for a few days now though. Impatient for no reason and with no direction for the almost-energy that's making me discontent. :\

But yes...that's where I've been. Feverish and coughing and generally wishing I could sleep for twenty hours a day and only be up for four rather than the other way around.

 I worry too much about everything...and I am perfectly aware of that and that things rarely are as bad as I suspect they are...and yet I still can't seem to attach the part of my brain that realizes that to the part of my brain that sends me into a panic over everything.


Anyway, I hope tsuin_kokoro gets better soon because I am worried. x.x

It scares me to actually care about someone.

I actually hate feeling any sort of anything for someone (this extends to any aspect of feeling, sadly) because I have been raised in a hopeless environment. My body cannot cope with optimism. I'm Optose-intolerant. Even the smallest does of optimism injected into my system is violently attacked by pessimistic anti-bodies who cluster into big chunks of sadness and despair and hopelessness and choke all the happiness that should be there out and then some.


See? I'm medically deranged.

Well today is the first anniversary of the day my cousin died.

He was, without any doubt in my mind at least, the only person in my family who really ever loved and accepted me and I miss him terribly. We were only three months apart and grew up together and while we ended up vastly different people (he liked athletics and was very social) we still kept a lot in common (like our fandoms, if not the pairings...and loving art...) and we still got along wonderfully anyway.

Despite being so different, I really think we'd have been friends even without being related...he was just that nice to everyone in ways I could really only wish I was because I simply do not have that much patience for humanity.

He was killed in a wreck, the road was really wet and he swerved into a tree.

Doesn't sound very poetic, does it? It isn't supposed to. Death can be worded very beautifully but when it comes down to it, no matter how it's done, it still takes a great gaping hole from someone's life, even if it's only the person who experienced it.

In this case though, it was a lot of people's lives. My aunt received letters from people he'd only known for a few weeks at a missionary event he went to a few years back who'd heard about his death and were all astounded. He really just had that much of an impact on everyone he met.

This is always going to be a bittersweet anniversary for me I believe and I don't really think it SHOULD ever be anything different. He meant too much for me to only look back with sadness, even if his death was so horrible for me, because there was so much good in his life. But at the same time, because he meant so much, I really can't be sure that this will ever get easier.
 

I've never actually watched Grey's Anatomy (or wanted to, sorry if you happen to love it) but I was flipping through channels the other day saw it for a moment. One of the characters couldn't stop crying for some reason. I don't know why, but I appear to be experiencing the same thing. Every few minutes or so I'll just start crying and I can't make myself stop.

This is a happier entry...

It's September the First!

¡Es el primero de septiembre!

And hey, for good measure...

C'est le premier septembre!

I wish I spoke more languages -__-  I'm working on it but I can only schedule so many classes D: 

...which is sadly still cheaper than the preferred option of going and living all over lots of continents to absorb up the language that way :\

But anyway! Today our fickle weather decided to bless us with some cool, slightly windy weather this morning up until almost noon...usually we're still in the high eighties/low nineties until straight into October. XP 

Of course it's just a...fall teaser. It'll be hot and humid again soon enough, but the slight change was spirit-lifting even if this is hurricane month and the weather is likely to turn on us soon. XP 

I got to sit out on the porch in the back with the milling animals and enjoy the knowledge that fall and then winter <3 are coming soon.

Otoño is my favorite way to say fall or autumn in any language I've heard it in. ^-^ It's such a nice, rolling word. I picture leaves spinning in circles in those little gusts of autumn wind every time I hear it and even though I am aware that sharing such nice imagery comes across as over romanticizing...I love words. And that's a particularly nice one.

I have a tradition around this time (a week or so from now) when I like to go around to random places and write messages on leaves for when they fall off and blow away to random people.

Sort of a weird, nature-y way of leaving random inspiring notes on car windows? 

I don't know, I've done it ever since I was a kid, it's sort of a habit now, even if writing carefully on fragile vegetation with a ball point pen tends to get you odd looks.

I'm used to odd looks. Let me celebrate the cooler seasons. I actually sleep less but feel better when it's cold. I wake up earlier and get more done. Too bad I live in such a hot place, hm? I'd get more done during the year in general, wouldn't I, if I lived further north...

..on that note, I might post some pictures of my leaf messages...because why not? XP If you can't be weird on LJ, where can you be? 

I'm really hoping this works because it'll either make me feel happy or sad depending on whether I get answers...but I'm taking a risk, which is tough for severally introverted people...


I want to actually get to know some of the people on LJ and I don't feel like I do...so tell me something about yourself? Doesn't have to be super personal...your name, age, whatever you don't feel comfortable sharing.

It can be something quirky, something you collect, some weird little habit you have...and I can share something with you in return...I have so many weird little habits I could drown you in them. Let's start a conversation and find out what we have in common. Networking or whatever you call it.

I suppose I should start making an effort for more online friends considering my current situation. >.>;;

I like to hope that I'm not all that horrible to get to know despite the fact that I have apparently lost a lot of friends for unknown reasons which really crushed my already fragile self esteem...and I'm taking baby steps to try and make myself speak to people despite that.

( there are no such things as friends.  )

I saved a today the other day. It made me feel accomplished...especially since I pulled it out of a snake's mouth, which terrified me a little. I was aware that it was not a poisonous snake before touching it!

I felt like I had to save it because toads are going to be the death of me...I've accidentally caused so many toad deaths that they are undoubtedbly furious with me and coming after me in masses of cold, bumpy bodies.

I accidentally happened upon the snake just as it caught the toad so I acted reflexively (stupidly?) and yanked the snake backwards and the toad forwards.

In its overwhelming gratitude, said toad urinated all over both my hands and then hopped away without a second glance. The snake vanished, dinnerless and probably plotting revenge.

Monday I ran into a pole that separated two doors at the college. I was trying to go through one door and a girl very rudely pushed past me so I turned not to hit her and hit the pole. She didn't stop and I got laughed at.

People and toads are about the same measure of politeness I suppose.

In other news, I think I'm dying of some strange disease that saps all your energy but doesn't have any symptoms of mono or flu other than the overwhelming exhaustion.

I can't figure it out, but I can't afford to miss classes and I missed two today because I just couldn't make it. :\

If nothing I do makes anyone happy no matter how hard I try, if I stopped trying completely what would the result be? Would I just be...murdered violently or something? 

If trying = not happy/ often annoyed /even angry, not trying would = something worse, right?

 

Just a sad little thought. I'm sorry I have so many of those lately. No seriously, not just because I appear to be spamming the friend page with sadness. It sucks to think them at all.


Here, have a hedgehog eating a carrot to make up for yet another mlahmlahmlah post from me: 



 

 

 

I'm going to ramble, which you are always welcome to ignore and then I am going to share something silly which while you've probably seen it, you might want to watch again because I've yet to meet someone (of any age) who doesn't snicker at it. (It's a video, you're welcome to start scrolling down to it if you'd like, what comes after this is just the rambling part) 

Also, two posts in one day? Really now? 

( /begin grumble )

/end grumble

I'd hesitate to ramble about this in general at the risk of making myself sound like a whiny child which I probably sound like anyway...but a lot of the older people I meet or have met online I've met through their own slightly grumbly ramblings...completely with little emoticons...you know you all do it...see? Have one. ^-~

And now to make sure none of us act too old and curmudgeonly: 





 

...he's saying count by the way, in case you HAVEN'T seen it? 

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

...here's an update on me. If not, this is where you'd stop reading.



So I'm taking some fall semester classes at a local college, I'm starting tomorrow and slowly working my way toward my eventual degree goal. School gets more and more expensive each year and I'm slowed by the economy and the fact that the state only is willing to offer me so much for being smart enough to be there, and only at certain times during the year. I'd have to pay in full if I wanted to take classes during the summer, which is annoying because that's when it's hardest to find work around here which would make it the best time to be in classes full time.

But I am getting a bit of state money this semester at least even though it means a lot of paperwork. Thankfully I took the standardized testing in high school and got a high enough score that I'm in good standing even if I can't go as often as I'd like. I'd love to be able to go straight through, but they don't offer money every time there are classes offered and I can't afford it alone.

I'm also hoping I don't go through a really horrible bout of anxiety or depression that would pull me out too much. I can't say I'm all that horribly optimistic, I've been depressed for longer than usual lately, a lot of which I attribute to the inexplicable loss of...well all of my friends and the fact that my family is officially no kind of support at all and now likes to say so.

Nobody likes "weird" girls like me around here.

Being anxious, alone and constantly low on money has put a terrible strain, not on my creativity, but on my drive to actually turn it into something. I've had writing and even art ideas but I've usually had them when I can't sleep but won't let myself get up to do anything because I NEED sleep despite only getting three or four hours of it on average a night. So for those of you who followed me for that sort of thing...well damn, I really AM in a slump, aren't I? 

I'm also sort of worried too because I see people I talk to online starting to ignore me as well. I hope a lot of that is paranoia due to the real life issue with people. I really don't know what I'd do if absolutely no one was speaking to me in any way. I don't do well trapped with just myself to talk to, no matter how much I like to be alone.

I can't seem to shake this depression...I'm doing a tiny bit better than last week I think, but I'm still blah and crying and reclusive and unable to spark any sort of interest in anything. And it makes me feel physically ill too. Headaches, stomachaches, general aches...feeling constantly tired or dizzy...it's just...well, not fun. Depressing.

My newest mental fixation of sadness is that I'm pretty sure I'm just going to die alone (not just significantly other- wise...at all...people in general. Literally completely alone in life) because no one will ever love me and I'm too introverted and neurotic for me to TRY even if anyone ever wanted to put any effort in.

I'm just ready for it to pass, you know, until next time.

Well, apparently those two things apply to some of the characters in this random-ish anime find of mine.

Has anyone actually ever seen this? 

If so, tell me if it's funny enough to look into?

The concept is an agriculture student talks to bacteria. D: 

Sometimes anime ideas are a whole different kind of odd: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moyashimon

It sort of scares me to be honest. D: 

look at all the bacteria @-@ : upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e5/Moyashimon_micro-organisms.jpg It's almost adorable...except for the blue penis looking thing in the front, it just needs to go home...it's smiling...this concept makes me snicker for various reasons.

You know, I think talking to bacteria would actually ruin my life, not make for anime-funtime...can you imagine it talking to you? D:  EVERYWHERE? On your desk, on your keyboard, in your sink, on other people? I would just die...and hear it echoing in my ears as I did.

To make myself feel better I went and watched some AMVs

Kuroshitsuji is what I'm on now, so I found a few of those that I loved...naturally they were angsty despite me trying to cheer myself up.

This one was my favorites, I normally don't like so many effects all at once but they were very well put together and there weren't as many after the intro anyway.